A Billion Jokes! (Volume One)

  To Sarah

  I’m still angry at my parents for not buying me expensive rollerblades. Cheapskates.

  How did I manage to glue my mouth shut?

  My lips are sealed ...

  ‘It’s about disdain.’ ~ Mobster reviews Hamlet

  I like to put my Shredded Wheat through my own shredder, just to be on the safe side.

  Ron Jeremy’s first pet was called Jeremy, and he grew up on Ron Street.

  If you’re ever in a hurry to get to the donkey sanctuary, just tell the driver ‘donctuary’.

  He’ll know what you mean.

  I imagine Superman must have some kind of reinforced toilet.

  ‘Red eye at night, you’ve been in a fight.’

  I’ll miss the Eiffel Tower when it launches.

  There’s a town called Only in America.

  Only in America!

  If you look at a woman’s vagina under a microscope, you can really spoil the evening.

  When an elephant gets elephantitis, the doctor is like, ‘Don’t worry, that’s normal.’

  Italics give me a stiff neck.

  Again, the publishers have rejected my novvle.

  I just heard God sneeze, but I don’t know what to say to Him.

  I never admit to feeling fear, I’m afraid.

  I like to think outside of the box, especially on a hot day.

  You think asbestos is bad; at least we don’t still have asworstos.

  I’ve lost my pet mosquito in amongst some normal ones.

  Let’s petition NASA to crack the Moon open.

  I’ve got a feeling there’s some pretty great stuff in there.

  Slazenger (n):

  One who slazenges.

  ‘Float like an octopus, sting like a clock.’ ~ Muhammad Dali

  I love the Moon.

  I’m so over it.

  ‘Why would I need earwax?

  I’ve got earwax coming out of my ears!’

  I’m opening a burger chain for senior citizens called Old McDonald’s.

  Reminiscing about my US coin collection.

  Good dimes.

  ‘Sometimes, a cigar is just a big dick. I mean cigar!!’ ~ Sigmund Freud

  The Earth used to be flat, until God had the idea to inflate it.

  The most complicated IKEA item to assemble is the ‘IKEA Store’.

  If a man chooses to sleep with a homeless guy every now and then, that doesn’t make him a hobosexual.

  Women are like fine wines.

  They’re fine, but they whine.

  I found a cow that produces chocolate milk!

  It’s pretty lumpy though, and man it stinks.

  All films should end with the main actor waking up in bed saying, ‘I just had the WEIRDEST dream.’

  Man: Am I a gambling addict?

  Doctor: You bet.

  I like to keep in touch with my inner child by swallowing little notes.

  ‘I ... like to be quoted out of context.’

  Scooby Doo episodes make perfect sense if you imagine them as Shaggy’s hallucinations.

  Shopkeeper: ‘Debit or credit?’

  Frog: ‘Ribbit.’

  Men often experience loss of internet due to bad wife-eye.

  I’ve written a kids’ version of Snakes On A Plane.

  It’s called The Eels On The Bus.

  My sweet-smelling partner

  Hates when I fartner.

  I hope numbers never disappear.

  Think of the aftermath.

  Neuf, huit, sept, six,

  I declare

  Thumb peace.

  I’ve got a lazy eye. It’s on the sofa, as usual.

  Those people in Eighties pornos were bonkers.

  ‘What you did today was jaw-dropping. You’re fired.’ ~ Boss Paleontologist

  The easiest way to win someone’s heart is to enter the hospital lottery.

  A Golden Anniversary occurs when a couple have spent fifty years urinating on each other.

  Boxers should never have sex during a fight.

  ‘What do we want?’

  ‘Now!’

  ‘When do we want it?’

  ‘Organisation!’

  Lif is too short.

  They called him ‘Jesus Christ’ because he kept freaking people out.

  Tried some of those new refrigerated laxatives today.

  Pretty cool shit.

  ‘What am I, chopped liver?’ ~ Chopped Liver

  ‘She went Hathaway.’ ~ William Shakespeare

  Sometimes I just like to switch off.

  I think that’s why I lost my job in Intensive Care.

  New Viagra Soft. For when she just wants to snuggle.™

  I bumped into two people from Mercury today. Small world.

  DINNER PARTY ERROR:

  The host could not be found.

  Also, there was no response from the server.

  I’m getting a tattoo that says ‘One Day I Will Regret This.’

  I have some skeletons in my closet.

  I put my clothes on them.

  Which end of a pregnancy tester are you supposed to poo on?

  If you’re reading a boring book, turn all the full stops into exclamation marks.

  I wasn’t laughing AT you, I was LAUGHING at you.

  Soul singer CeCe Peniston still gets royalties whenever someone adds an extra email recipient.

  I think people who support the death penalty should be killed.

  If someone says ‘No thanks’

  I like to reply, ‘You’re unwelcome’.

  Centaur (n): A creature with the body and legs of a horse, and the head, arms, torso and penis of a man.

  There would be a weird atmosphere if Peter Parker and Clark Kent worked at the same newspaper.

  Someone once accused me of grabbing their buttock.

  The cheek!

  Been reading about King Arthur.

  What a legend.

  Toilet warning: Never press the button marked ‘reverse flush’.

  The pen is mightier than the sword, if it’s a super ‘Battle-Pen’.

  I used to be scared of change.

  Then I moved out of the wishing-well.

  Noel’s House Party still continues to this day, although it is no longer televised.

  Tic-Tac-Toe (n):

  A form of gout caused by eating too many mints.

  If I could turn back time, I’d prevent Cher from recording that song.

  Kids these days have Halloween too easy.

  In my day, we had to make a lot of sacrifices.

  I finally got round to reading that Stephen Hawking book. It’s about time.

  The longest-running TV series for ants is a cop show called Insecticide.

  Popeye’s face looked like that because he was allergic to spinach.

  My dog has no-no’s.

  How does he smell?

  He doesn’t. That’s one of his no-no’s.

  I bought the audiobook of Where’s Wally?’

  I still haven’t heard him.

  I hate it when people use the word ‘shitstorm’.

  Especially weathermen.

  ‘That’s another small step for man; another giant leap for mankind.’ ~ Buzz Aldrin, 1969

  ‘Say hello to my little friend: Tiny Montana.’

  If you make her frown, turn her upside-down.

  Dear Sir,

  I forget to inform you that ... um ...

  Is it wrong that I find women sexier if they’ve shaved their breasts?

  Magneto’s nemesis is Dr Fridge.

  I wonder if Catherine Beta Jones still exists.

  Tormented, tortured souls, screaming in agony, burning for eternity in everlasti
ng flames. That’d be my idea of hell.

  Most babies look like Winston Churchill because he had sex with a lot of women.

  Remember the Nineties, when you had to clean your mouse balls?

  I’m glad I don’t have pets any more.

  My ideal mermaid would have the body of a woman and the brain of a fish.

  Bonsai trees are much larger these days.

  And they seem to be everywhere.

  If you ever fancy some Parma ham, but don’t have any in the fridge, just peel a bit of skin off your foot.

  There are two kinds of people in the world, and those who can’t.

  I rarely mix business with pleasure.

  But when I do, I call it bupleasinuress.

  The word ‘replica’ is a replica of the word ‘replica’.

  Revenge is a dish best smashed over someone’s head.

  Anxious lawyer suddenly thinks: ‘I hope there are no more exhibits after Exhibit Z.’

  Internet pornography. What is the world coming to?

  The animals in The Flintstones would have a much easier time now, with all the advances we’ve made in consumer technology.

  ‘Baby, you’re much more than my fuck-buddy. You’re my fuck-soulmate.’

  Make sure your camel is genuine, and not a llama with hump implants.

  Iron Man also designs casual wear, but that’s not his strong suit.

  First thing I learned in Detective School: every man has a pair of unique ‘ballprints’.

  Yesterday was the first day in the reverse rest of your life.

  Meat Loaf keeps trying to lose weight, but he’s so delicious.

  ‘If your penis be illin’, take penicillin.’ ~ Alexander Fleming

  Do you sometimes get the strange feeling that you’ve never had déjà vu?

  I love the Earth. It means the world to me.

  I never learned to blink.

  I have to sync my winks.

  I’d love to purchase some Spice Girls forgetobilia

  Baby corn comes from Momcorn and Popcorn.

  I’m afraid to let my mind wander, in case it never comes back.

  ‘I avoided the Great Fire of London like the plague.’ ~ Samuel Pepys

  Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.

  All this time I thought I’d been lying to myself, but I was just kidding myself.

  Vampire mothers usually start their babies on jam.

  There are two parties in my pants! Well, ‘balls’.

  No matter how kinky you are, sometimes you just fancy a onesome.

  Reasons I’m never buying chicken drumsticks again.

  1: Too short

  2: Poor sound

  3: Greasy snares, cymbals etc.

  I’ve been diagnosed with very mild Tourette’s, you nincompoop.

  In Italy, certain ravioli can be used as postage stamps.

  These days police can identify serial killers simply by locating their serial number.

  Sumo arm wrestlers just have one really fat arm.

  A good treat for older kids is a Kinder Shock.

  The Michelin Man looks jolly enough, but I bet he doesn’t clean between his ‘folds’ properly.

  Gardeners make prize-winning cucumbers by showing them pornography.

  The thing I hate most about Christmas gifts is the whole ‘asking for reimbursement’ part.

  There’s no ‘I’ in ‘DENIAL’.

  If you’re out of avocados, a good way to make guacamole is to blend The Incredible Hulk.

  If corpses were alive, they’d be turning in their graves.

  Jeremy Clarkson is like Marmite. Revolting.

  Quasimodo’s hump was actually a spare bell.

  Abbreviation (n):

  Short for antibrevitudinalisation.

  Goat prison inspector:

  ‘Quite a ramshackle operation you have here. Well done.’

  I hate people who use the colloquial term to describe bodily spasms. Jerks.

  When a baby is born, I think the doctor should sing Happy Birthday.

  ‘Some very sweaty geniuses are actually 100% perspiration.’

  ~ Thomas Edison

  Animal-doping jockeys should get off their high horses.

  I hate the word ‘thou’. It’s so ‘holier-than-you’.

  Spider-Man’s pyjamas are just a looser-fitting version of his daytime suit.

  Disgusted with my dictionary. I found the term ‘offensive’.

  I’m seriously considering penis surgery, if I can figure out how to hold a scalpel with it.

  Most flight delays are caused by the plane suffering from jetlag.

  Sheds are so-called because they were originally used to store old skin.

  I never use those 24hr ATMs. I need my cash now.

  I mended the hole in my sock. Now I can’t get my foot in.

  When I hear a news story begin ‘It has emerged’, I wish the sentence would just end there.

  Someday, I’d like to hear the patter of tiny feet.

  Then later on, who knows?

  We could try for a whole baby.

  Ladies love Dracula, until he reveals his tiny bat’s penis.

  I would hate myself if I became a narcissist.

  The first robots were used by kings, to put their robes on.

  These Glade Plug-Ins haven’t made a bit of difference to the smell. They’re painful too.

  Sky, why so blue? Cheer up, it’s a beautiful day!

  Sewers. The toilets’ toilets.

  Sleep is something I can only dream about.

  When you die, you unlock the chance to play your life on ‘Medium’.

  Every day, forest whales eat millions of tons of planks.

  I like to think of goths as pre-op vampires.