A Billion Jokes! (Volume One) Read online

  Just once, I’d like things to go from worse to bad.

  I would describe myself as an animal lover, or ‘carnivore’.

  In maggot cinema, crowd scenes are usually achieved with rice.

  Snowmen have 600 words for ‘Eskimo’.

  I love hate. I have a love hate relationship.

  We have nothing to fear except fear of ‘Itself’.

  Did you know the dot below a question mark is actually its dropping?

  At a fancy restaurant, never ask for Swiss cheese. Call it ‘sparkling’ cheese.

  Trees are actually carved from huge blocks of wood.

  Pancake Recipe:

  1. Melt pan.

  When Edison had the idea to invent the light bulb, he just used the one that appeared above his head.

  No two snowflakes like each other.

  I don’t think we can win the war on drugs.

  We’d be too fucked-up to aim properly, etc.

  My teachers said I was like a human sponge:

  I’d sit in class, silently absorbing information, then later, water would dribble out of me.

  I’ve written a prequel to Transformers.

  It’s called Sofabeds.

  As you’d expect, city minotaurs enjoy sleeping with women, but country minotaurs prefer sex with cows.

  Saliva is so delicious! Just thinking about it makes me drool.

  The correct term for a worm’s penis is its ‘body’.

  Punk scientist Ernest Rutherford was the first to spit on the atom.

  Of all of Superman’s achievements,

  I think the best one is the Supermarket.

  There’s no business like business.

  ‘Black sky at noon, You’re on the Moon.’

  I can’t wait until I become nostalgic for now.

  Ahh, those will be the days.

  If you ever run out of mercury for your thermometer, just use a bit of robot sperm.

  ‘Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup. Thank you.’

  Spider Restaurant

  One-word review of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape:

  Leotard

  Bathroom advice:

  If your shower-head has different settings, never choose the one labelled ‘Mince’.

  I regret buying that corrugated iron. It’s making my shirts MORE creased.

  Historians studying the Pyramids still don’t know what scheme the Egyptians used to pay for them.

  I love all the different words Americans use for things, but ‘frosting’ is the icing on the cake.

  Trying to come up with a concept for an internal hat. I can’t get my head around it.

  Charles Dickens’ theory of evolution: ‘Oliver Twist evolved from a sea urchin.’

  If toilets could talk, I’d probably want to turn that function off.

  ‘I’d like to return these convex contact lenses.’

  If I forget what I’m supposed to be doing tomorrow, I just call one of those psychic lines.

  I hate the term ‘MILF’. It’s so crude.

  I much prefer

  ‘Female I’d Like to Take Home’.

  If you see someone dancing, how do you know that they’re not just pretending to dance?

  Laughter is the second best medicine. The best medicine is medicine.

  Pairs of shoes should come with a spare ‘left/right combo shoe.’

  Best cowboy phrase? ‘Stick your hands up!’ Hands down.

  Reasons the Sun landings were faked:

  1. Too hot.

  Some silent movies were so evocative, you could almost hear piano music in your head.

  I hate clichés in any way, shape or form.

  The Eleventh Commandment:

  Thou shall not use the word ‘shalt’

  ‘Six feet of soil?

  Over my dead body.’

  Babies haven’t invented anything much since the wah-wah pedal.

  I was so tired last night, all the people in my dreams were asleep.

  I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient, until one day the receptionist suggested I use their website.

  When Sigmund’s glasses broke, his wife took pleasure in seeing a shard in Freud.

  I think my house is haunted by the ghost of an amoeba, so it’s not actually bothering me that much.

  Trek Trivia: According to scientists, the original 1960’s Star Trek theme is the music you hear when you commit suicide.

  I’ve got a natural ‘thing’ with words.

  Shame we can’t see ultra-violet, I bet it’s beautiful. Not so bothered about infra-red.

  I wish my teeth were mint-flavoured – I’d save a fortune!

  Also I wish my penis was sausage-flavoured.

  Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t like these ‘new’ fashions.

  Paris is probably the world’s most romantic city, at least until they finish MegaParis.

  Cleanliness is next to godliness, in my non-alphabetical dictionary.

  I love the smell of perfume. If you could bottle it, you’d make a fortune.

  The guy who named jazz music ‘jazz’ did a great job. It’s certainly the ‘jazziest’ type of music.

  WARNING: This sentence contains language which may fucking offend.

  I wonder if I could achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?

  God has a plan for you. It’s called ‘death’.

  I care what people say, I don’t care what anybody says.

  My diction is an utter shambles.

  I can’t utter ‘shambles’.

  ‘Well, that’s two hours I will get back.’ ~

  Buddhist after watching terrible film

  The downside to being stinking rich is the stinking.

  Hey, Rainbow. Why’d you look so sad?

  Farts are how bottoms communicate with each other.

  It’s not the winning, it’s the taking part that’s unimportant.

  I’d like to join a golf club to another golf club.

  The eyes are the windows to the soul, especially if they’re glass eyes.

  It must be awful if you’re an architect and you get apartment block.

  You snooze, you lose. But at least you’ve had a snooze.

  Masturbation is only cheating if you do it behind your own back.

  It never rains, but it pours. Except when it just rains.

  Love never dies.

  It just gets old.

  How philosophers greet each other:

  ‘Hello, why are you?’

  Having sex without taking your clothes off is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

  How dare you call me a bad Christian.

  I know the Lord’s Prayer backwards!

  I’m making a device that listens to people’s minds.

  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

  The Elephant Man also had a massive you-know-what, so you know, every cloud.

  I’d like to change my name to Deed Poll.

  Need a big golf ball? Just chew on a cueball.

  Plants take pictures of keyboards using photosynthesis.

  I feel sorry for people with just one nostril, who can only smell in mono.

  ‘Oh yeah, I REALLY hate cigars.’ ~ Fidel Sarcastro

  If you want to cheerfully disagree with someone, just say ‘Nokey dokey!’

  I like to think of straight women as gay lesbians.

  Nervert (n): A nervous pervert

  I’d hate it if someone discovered my sex tape, or as I call it, ‘duct tape.’

  They never mention it, but Doctor Who’s speciality is genito-urinary infections.

  I wish my postman wouldn’t deliver my voicemail.

  His accent is awful.

  ‘What’s the antimatter?’

  ‘Oh, nothing.’

  I wonder when they’ll open Jurassic Park again.

  Contact lenses make excellent baby monocles.

  I’m so literal, I’d be late for my own funeral.

  Jim Henson’s f
irst job was operating the Godfather logo.

  Farmer: I’d like to give my sheep a sex-change.

  Vet: Are you aware of the ramifications?

  Constipation makes me so angry, I could shit.

  I like to undress women with my eyes.

  It takes a lot longer.

  I have noblem shortening words.

  Real reason why the dinosaurs are extinct:

  The museum industry.

  Labiarinth (n):

  An extremely complicated vagina.

  Whenever Chewbacca loses his voice, he talks by dragging heavy furniture across the floor.

  When is Inception going to finish?

  A good way to treat a sex addict is to take him for a nice sexy day out.

  Remember when everyone used to say ‘Join the club’?

  Join the club.

  I went back in time and killed Über-Hitler.

  That’s why you’ve never heard of him.

  Nothing rhymes with nothing.

  The final version of James Brown’s Sex Machine contained over 14,000 moving parts.

  Usually I have a hard-off.

  I think pigs have that curious smile because they know how delicious they are.

  If you ever need a cactus in a hurry, just make a cucumber angry.

  My false alarm has gone off, and I don’t know what to do.

  When I heard the news that the Notorious BIG had died, it didn’t really affect me.

  No Biggie.

  I really need to improve my ‘word-list’.

  Toilets invented toilet paper to use for their writings, but humans were not impressed.

  I know I’m losing it when

  I start talking to myselves.

  I’d love to be a fly on the wall of the Big Brother house.

  Henry VIII predicted reggae music, but could never prove it.

  How would I know? I’m not a mindreader.

  I’m such a ‘people snob’.

  I wonder how zombies tell the difference between normal and ‘special-needs’ zombies.

  If I see a picture of the sun wearing sunglasses, that can sidetrack me for hours.

  I’m hosting my first orgy tonight.

  I hope people come.

  ‘This is what it sounds like when doves cry.’

  ~ Prince, listening to pigeons cry

  I wonder if ants behaved any differently during Medieval times, or were they pretty much the same as now?

  Thanks to:

  My parents Cathy and Abe, my children, Sam and Phoebe, for their endless inspiration, my brother James and sister Helen, Granddad Jim for kindly allowing me to use his picture on page 10, Robert Popper (hetto!), David Walliams for suggesting the title, Jimmy Carr for his generous help and encouragement, Susan and Timothy Langdale, Graham Linehan, Xeni Jardin, Maria Schneider, my agent Jonny Geller, Lisa Babalis, Conor McCaughan at Troika, Josh Katz at UTA, Jon Butler at Macmillan, Patrick Ewing at Twitter, Lee Thomas, John Hodgman, Luz Diaz, Liam Lynch, Will Arnett, Mitch Hurwitz, Jim Vallely, Justin Theroux, Rob Delaney and Megan Amram.

  A huge thank you to my incredible designer Alex Morris (pinvin.com), whose patience, skill and comic brain enhanced the words so much.

  A special thanks to the immensely talented James Hance (jameshance.com) for the painting used on the back cover, and some of the preliminary illustrations (especially Tiny Montana).

  Thank you to all who follow me on Twitter.

  And thanks finally to Satan, without whose guiding hand and undying hate this book would not have happened.

  Peter Serafinowicz is an English actor, comedian, writer and director.

  He co-wrote the critically acclaimed TV show Look Around You with Robert Popper; starred in The Peter Serafinowicz Show, which was nominated for a BAFTA and won the Rose d’Or prize for Best Entertainer; directed the music video for Hot Chip’s ‘I Feel Better’; appeared in Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, Couples Retreat and Bad Sugar – and provided the voice for Darth Maul in the film Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. He lives in London.

  First published 2012 by Boxtree

  This electronic edition published 2012 by Boxtree

  an imprint of Pan Macmillan, a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited

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  Associated companies throughout the world

  www.panmacmillan.com

  ISBN 978-1-447-23775-4 EPUB

  Copyright © Peter Serafinowicz 2012

  The right of Peter Serafinowicz to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

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